I remember my first iPod. It was a present for my 17th birthday in 2004. It was a pink mini with ‘Smile Alwayz’ inscribed on the back. I loved that iPod and was so proud to have it. That iPod brought the background music to moments of my life from lying at Battery Park in the spring, to Jones Beach in July and crossing the Williamsburg Bridge to the Pacific Ocean. The music that played through those white earbuds provided solace, insight, joy and just being lost in it all. That iPod provided the lullaby I needed to go to sleep when my mind wouldn’t and my heart hurt too much.

Thank you Mr. Steve Jobs for bringing comfort to my life when I needed it. Rest in Peace.  

It’s been a year with him. He brings a comfort to my heart that I’ve never experienced before. What it’s like to be loved by a man rather than a guy who’s still a boy. I don’t know if I should assume that this is what deep, real love is suppose to be and all those feelings prior to this was just simply, didn’t know any better puppy love. This love comes with respect. And no games. Games are not tolerated. Neither are hissy fits or princess attitudes. Everything is on the table. To take or leave. 

But sometimes, the all or nothing is too much, too early. I’m still figuring out my life.    

To hear “He’s engaged now.” I don’t know if I should laugh or not. A year ago, I found myself in a situation I would’ve never thought to be in. I almost became “the other woman”. I let myself be lavished with attention from someone who should’ve known better. I was a stupid girl. A naive girl. I too, should’ve known better. I’m thankful I stopped letting myself listen to this person’s words. I’m glad I was smart enough to end whatever it was before I dug a hole of karma and resentment. I’m happy I went the other way, to the right one for me.

That dark awareness has returned again. It came right after feeling that pang. The pang that comes after realizing how in love you are slightly dotted with pain. It’s been over 5 years since my one and only heartbreak. The world shattering feeling that overcomes when the person you love so immensely wants to move on because he doesn’t love you anymore. It took so long to finally stop crying and get up to unwillingly walk away. After that, I let myself begin to absorb the worthlessness of being in love, to keep my heart for myself was more important, more safe. Then I met him. And easily, he placed himself in the heart that I thought was too cynical. And I’m weary for my heart because I don’t want to know if it does get easier. I’d rather avoid the learning from the pain lesson because once was more than enough.

First day of classes today. I’m always optimistic that it’ll be a good semester. Yet time after time, I find myself unable to go forward when life starts throwing lemons. I wish I could make lemonade. Can’t help but feel like I’m two years behind schedule on where my life should be. Feels like an airport. I have all my luggage and travel documents I need to get on the plane but still stuck at security…

During the summer, a friend in a drunken stupor told me he applauded my choice to go back to school and finish. He thought it was very brave to do so. I want to rise to the occasion and hear actual applause while crossing the stage. I want to stop disappointing myself and see me in the mirror wearing that cap and gown. Then, I can finally say waddap to life again.

The biggest change in my life in the last few years has been becoming a dog owner. The automatic smile that comes from looking at his face looking at me cannot be replicated. The constant unconditional love that emanates from him all times of the day, has brightened my world. But I can’t help but recognize I’ve put brought upon myself a strung out, delayed, sadistic relationship. I’m morbidly aware my dog has a lifespan and I’ll be there every moment to watch him live out his life. My intention for Mochi’s presence was because I felt I needed something that needed me too. To never have to worry about truly being alone.

A close friend of mine recently got her dog back after delaying ownership due to personal reasons. We sat on a park bench yesterday with our two dogs between us on a beautiful summer ending day. She was torn about deciding if she wanted to remain a dog owner and asked me if I ever regretted getting a dog. I told her it can be overwhelming sometimes and she said “Yeah…that’s the correct feeling.”

I read recently, “A dog is the only thing in the world that will love you more than he loves himself.” Maybe I have to learn to apply the one day at a time approach philosophy with my dog too. There’s no use looking too far ahead when you already know what’s gonna happen in the end.

When I created this blog, I had intended it to be a documentation of my life at the start of 24 leading up to turning 25, hence the idea behind the name of this blog. But I felt unable to write down my thoughts here. For once, I found myself seeking and even enjoying being private. I don’t know if this desire for privacy is part of growing up and choosing to withold details of my life or because I feel my life is not worth recording at the moment. I’ve found myself this year changing a lot mentally. I’m still deciding if it’s an effect of being older or rather under the influence of a certain someone. I was very ambivalent about turning 24 because I found myself almost hating 2011, the first 2 months. I had planned to do nothing out of the ordinary in recognizing the turning of my age but someone, as thoughtful as he always is, threw me a surprise party with my closest friends present.

Though mentally I feel myself changing, I wish the same applied to my emotions. At the age I am now, my mom found herself being a mother. She had a baby while I have as close to comparison, a 16 month old dog. I find my emotions to be too strong too often and wish it was a quality I could change. I wish my emotions would grow up.

Going forward, I hope I can keep the declaration I made to myself to maintain this blog. I’d genuinely like to follow through with this after all the other delays I have made. I want to continue this.